This has been weighing on me for some time.
It started in elementary, this kid with a big head aggravated the shit out of me. As we grew up, he managed to win my heart and became one of my best friends. Brandon always had a way to frustrate and pick me up all at the same time. His time was cut too short, and his passing created a hole in my heart.
Brandon and I had a connection, and our time together was natural and real. We had silly adventures in Florida. Drunkin’ times in our hometown. Cried together watching movies, A Walk to Remember got him good. Brandon told me jaw dropping stories of his deployments over beers. He would randomly send me flowers for a little pick me up. He was honest and real with me.
His infectious smile still triggers lots of emotions. His dance moves are still so vivid in my mind. It’s natural to think what if, but boy he has had a way of lingering in my head. I just feel I didn’t get enough time with him, and really didn’t take full advantage of our relationship. I didn’t do all I could and be a better friend for him, and that is gut wrenching and I regret that.
Maybe I thought he was invincible, like he would always be around. But he is gone, and I do have a lot of regret and it sucks! What if I would have moved with him, when he said “Jay, just do it, get out of here”? What if I would have taken his relationship advise to heart? What if I would have been a better friend and went to his wedding? What if I was the one that should have been walking down the aisle (no disrespect to the relationship he had)? What if he was still here, what would I tell him?
I am lucky enough to know he loved me and hope that my love was reciprocated. As I take in the loss of my best friend, I’ve learned that regret is a real thing. I didn’t take chances, I didn’t capitalize on my relationship with him, and lost out on making decisions that could have changed my live. It’s ironic how the risks in life are scary as hell and then the regret can be haunting. So, go for it, take the risk?! While not every risk will have the reward… What a bitch this is! Only thing I can think, regret the things you’ve done rather then regret those you haven’t?! Jess tell me what you think? It is difficult but important to turn the regrets into lessons; there is a bit of strengthen and hope in doing this.
I have Brandon’s last voicemail saved on my phone. I struggled to call Brandon back, because I thought he was disappointed in me. I don’t regret calling him back! The voice of my friend was reassuring; we talked about a gift he had bought for his wife. He was proud I called it quits and was moving on from a relationship, “Jay it’s about time, you’re better off”. We made plans to get together and were excited to catch up! I saw him a little less than a month before he passed; that smile, the heartfelt long hug, the way he called me Jay, the genuine feeling and connection; all of which are far from regrettable.
I miss you dearly
Happy Birthday my little Leprechaun
